Well, Week 42 was just as gorgeous as Week 41!  Not too hot, not too humid, nice and sunny.  Plus no snakes, no spiders, no hornets, yellow jackets or wasps, and especially great:  no deer flies.  Those suckers BITE and they follow you everywhere you go.

No, the only bummer on this hike was a guy and his two spaniels.

You may recall last week I talked about the trouble you can get into when you expect people to be different than they are.  This week I had the perfect illustration for a closely related concept called “The Manual”.

The Manual is the instruction manual you have for other people as to how they should behave in order to maximize your happiness.  Sometimes you communicate your manual to the person; other times you believe it should just be assumed by the other party.  And that’s what I did with this guy on the trail this week.

In spite of the fact that state park regulations call for all dogs to be leashed, most people don’t follow this rule.  Even I didn’t back when I had a Jack Russell that didn’t try to attack and kill everyone he came across.  However, everyone generally follows an unspoken sub-rule that if you come across a hiker with a dog on a leash, you will call your unleashed pet to you and put him or her on a leash until you pass each other.  So usually everything works out fine.

This week I had my bag of handy treats at the ready for when Kirbs and I passed other hikers and dogs.  Kirby did quite well for the bulk of the hike, but then all my planning went for naught.  I saw a man coming with two spaniels off-leash, so per usual, I took Kirby off-trail (which meant sliding on my ass down a steep hill into the creek below) and got out my bag of treats. The man threw two balls into the water near where Kirbs and I were and then proceeded to encourage his spaniels to retrieve them.

But the spaniels were much more interested in checking out Kirby, who was now going ballistic because they were in our space.  I kept trying to redirect Kirby and distract him with the treats, which he ate, but this went on so long that I ran out.  Could the guy not see that I was trying desperately to control my leashed dog while his pets continued to ignore his verbal commands and run up to us?

I was SUPER pissed.  Not only was the guy not following the unspoken leash rule, he was making it worse by continuing to command his dogs to retrieve the balls as opposed to calling them off of Kirby and I.

This man was not following my manual.

But calling his dogs off would just be common courtesy, you might say, and I’d agree with you.  However, at the end of the day, the man was just not behaving the way I judged he should in order to make my life easier.  Which was making me feel angry.  If I wanted to feel better, I was going to have to stop expecting the man to do what I wanted.  So I got up and made a run for it through the creek and left the guy and his two dogs behind.

I could’ve tried communicating my manual to the man, but I figured if it wasn’t apparent to him already that his dogs were causing Kirby and me distress, then me saying something to him about it wouldn’t necessarily help.  Instead I had to do what was necessary to remove the distress myself.

I do this with people all the time, and have people do it to me.  I once dated a guy who had a very different idea than I did about what it meant to communicate future plans.  We’d plan on talking on the phone at a certain time, but then his plans would change and he wouldn’t be there at the other end when I called on schedule (I am showing my age, but this was in the days before everyone had a cell phone and the word “texting” hadn’t been invented yet).

Would he leave me a message of any kind to let me know?  No.

Would he eventually call later that evening?  No.

He wasn’t following my manual for him.

Trust me, after a few nights wondering what the heck had happened to him, I communicated my manual to him.  “You can’t just leave me hanging like that, dude,” I would say.  And he’d apologize.

But he kept on doing it.

Whether you agree or disagree that he “shouldn’t” have been behaving that way, ultimately it was a behavior I wanted him to change so that I could be happier.

And here’s the thing – he wasn’t dissing me to be malicious.  This guy was one of the nicest guys I dated. He was just oblivious to time, schedules, etc.  It was who he was.

The problem with manuals is very similar to the problem with expecting people to be different.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine and all for you to have them.  Most of us do, without even realizing it.  A guy asks you out for dinner, your manual might say he should pay for the meal.  You’ve gotten your boyfriend a nice gift for his birthday, your manual might say that he should do the same for you.  You’ve just made a great meal for your significant other, your manual might say he/she should do the dishes.

But when you start to feel miserable because the person isn’t following your instruction manual for them (communicated or silent), I recommend burning that manual.  Trying to control other people to make ourselves happier is a game we don’t ever ultimately win.  And think about it, would you want to have to follow someone else’s instruction manual for you just to make them happier?

One of the worst parts of having a manual is what we make it mean when the person doesn’t follow our manual.  When my boyfriend missed our calls, I made it mean that he didn’t care about me when all it meant is that he was a bit of an airhead.  There were other ways he showed that he did care…a lot.  It was up to me to decide if I could accept his way of showing me he cared or not.

Ultimately I decided to end it with this guy because it was not the kind of relationship I wanted.  No harm, no foul, and I am happy to say we are still friends after all these years.  Initially I was sad about things not working out, but in the end I was so much happier and less frustrated/anxious/upset because I stopped trying to get him to follow my instruction manual for him.

Instruction manuals are just one more way we give power over our own happiness to someone besides ourselves.  Any time we do that, we are asking for heartache.  You are the only person who can decide if you will be happy or not.  It’s a lot to take responsibility for…but it is also one of the most empowering and freeing things you will ever do for yourself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  Agree?  Disagree?  Want help figuring it all out?   Shoot me a comment below or an email to set up a time to talk and let’s  get to work!

Stay cool and have a great week, peeps!