Week 47. Another hot and humid one. I got up early enough to take Kirby with me before the heat was too much for him and he was SUPER excited to be back out on the trail again. So he was running around like an idiot and I was just trying to stay awake given that it was 6:15am when we started out.  If only I was superhuman and didn’t ever need to sleep.  How awesome would that be?  I’d never feel tired and I’d have a whole lot more time to get things done!

Actually, I used to think invisibility would be pretty great, too. But that’s changed in recent years. Here’s why:

I spent a lot of time on this hike thinking about an article a friend of mine recently sent me (shout out to my girl Cynthia!). It appeared in the Washington Post a few weeks back and is about being single and overweight in the Christian church of today (click in this blank space for link: HERE).

Single. Overweight. In the Christian church of today.  Check, check, and check.  This article was about me.

The author writes knowingly about the stigmas attached to being single and overweight…i.e., what those two characteristics can mean in the minds of fellow church-goers.  For sure I have experienced it personally and I know others who have, as well.

But if I’m going to be honest, I didn’t need to wait to hear constructive criticism or pointed suggestions from my friends at church in order to feel judged or worthless.  All I had to do was listen inside my own head.

“Look at yourself.  No wonder you’re not married.  Not only are you not attractive when you’re carrying all this extra weight, but that extra weight just announces your sin…your lack of self-control…for everyone to see.”

I didn’t have my metabolism or my thyroid or my socio-ecomonic conditions to blame for my dress size.  I just had me.  My abuse of food was a way to comfort myself, to cope with stress, and as I eventually discovered, to hide.

It’s not like I consciously decided one day to start overeating.  It’s just that after a number of painful breakups, food became a more predictable companion.  One that would never abandon me.  Then as I started putting on weight, I realized I was gradually becoming invisible as a potential object of desire to men. And I started to like the sense of safety that realization gave me.

Here’s the way my darling brain started thinking:  If I’m overweight, guys won’t find me attractive.  So there’s no chance they will even consider whether I’m datable or not.  They’ll just look at me as a friend.  So while I might not win their romantic love, I’ll be able to get their brotherly love and respect.  I won’t have to worry about whether they’ll leave me or not.  We’ll all just be really good friends and I’ll be SAFE.

CLOAKING DEVICE ACTIVATED!

This power of invisibility made me falsely confident.  Whereas in the past I would be too shy or nervous to start conversation with someone I found especially attractive, NOW I had no problem walking right up to guys who looked like models for Abercrombie and Fitch and introducing myself.  I believed my extra weight would make it obvious to them that I was no “threat” (i.e., there was no chance I could possibly think they would ever “like” like me) and so they would relax and just talk to me like normal.

I will say, I have a lot of really great-looking guy friends at the moment.

But there were a few problems with me using my extra weight as a cloak of invisibility:

•  it was a lot to carry around and my joints were starting to complain about it
• my confidence around the opposite sex was based on something I didn’t like about myself
• I was guilty of gross superficiality in my thinking about what is and what isn’t attractive to the opposite sex
• I knew God wanted more from me…and I wanted more from my life…than just playing it safe

Instead:

• I wanted to feel healthy and comfortable in my body
• I wanted my confidence to come from a sense of wholeness and peace with myself
• I wanted to release my thinking about attraction from the constraints of what popular culture has taught me
• I wanted to live life out of a place of vulnerability and authenticity

So. It was time to hang up the cloak and give up the super power.

I’ve been determined to keep it off ever since.  Whether it will ever change my single status or not, whether it will ever change what the people who go to my church think about me, day after day I re-commit to retraining my brain to think about food in a way that brings health to my body and peace to my mind.  I continue to learn how to listen to my body and care for it in the way God always intended me to.  And I am getting used to this feeling of vulnerability.  It’s not necessarily comfortable, but it’s a lot more exciting!

So much for my invisibility super power.

I’m cultivating a new power…mind control!  Of course, the only mind I’m talking about controlling is mine, but I can tell you that exercising this power has not ever let me down.  Not once.  Everything hinges on my thoughts.

• How I feel is dependent on what I am thinking about.
• How I act is dependent on how I am feeling.
• How my life turns out is dependent on how I act.

Everything flows from our thoughts.  And we have the power of God available to us to take every thought captive.  So what are you waiting for?

Grab your cape and suit up.