Still had a good amount of snow this week. Enough that I used those spiky strappy things on the bottom of my hiking boots. The whole hike was kind of like walking in deep, soft sand. As I write this, my quads are STILL screaming.
I felt SO good on this hike (mentally). When I woke up earlier that morning, I thought I would be miserable. You see, the day before, I had promised to do something with a friend. It was something I had decided previously I couldn’t do, but when my friend asked me point-blank, I found myself saying “Sure!”. All because I didn’t want to disappoint my friend.
I woke up in a cold sweat later that night. I couldn’t BELIEVE I had said yes. I knew I wouldn’t be able to show up fully for her in the way that she deserved and needed for the task at hand. But I had a lot of fear about what it would mean to tell her no. What if she thought less of me because I changed my mind? What if she thought it meant I didn’t like her? Worse, what if she didn’t like me?
But the more I lay there and thought about it, the more I knew that trying to do it anyway was not an option for me. Worse than disappointing my friend because I changed my mind would be if I said yes and then couldn’t keep my commitment.
Even more ridiculous was that I was trying to control how my friend felt.
You might recall that I blogged two weeks ago about how trying to control what someone is feeling is like trying to control the weather. Ain’t happening.
I knew I had an email to write, one where I was completely honest with my friend. And then I would have to hit send and I would have to allow her to feel HOWEVER SHE WANTED TO about it.
I surely wish I would’ve learned this before entering into some of the dating relationships I’ve had in my 48 years. My first love at 18 had me scrambling to change my hair, the way I dressed, and spending time doing things I absolutely hated. Anything rather than disappoint him…what if he broke up with me? As it turns out, he did…despite me trying to be everything he wanted.
I often wonder how that relationship would’ve turned out if I had just been my authentic self. I’ve always suspected that one of the reasons it didn’t work out with him was precisely BECAUSE I was trying too hard. I was miserable. It showed. I lost who I was, all in an effort to meet what I thought his expectations were.
Since then, I’ve become better at letting people feel how they’re going to feel. Let’s face it, if MY thoughts are the only thing that can affect how I’m feeling, then other people’s thoughts are the only thing that can affect how THEY’RE feeling. We all choose our own thoughts. My job is to be authentic and real in my relationships. My job is not to lie to my friends and family; to not try to be someone I’m not. Think about it. What if a good friend came to you and said, “You know, I never really enjoyed playing cards with you every week. I just did it so that you wouldn’t be disappointed.” I don’t know about you, but I would be sad about that.
If we aren’t real with each other…if we lie about who we are just to avoid conflict…well, we’re not giving the other person much credit, are we?
And if the other person IS disappointed? That’s okay. They can decide for themselves if that disappointment means they don’t want to be in relationship with you anymore. And quite frankly, if they don’t want to be in relationship with who you really are…that’s their problem. There are people out there who will love EXACTLY who you are. You’ve already met some of them…your inner circle of friends are made up of those people. They are, as we like to say in coach speak, your “tribe”.
As new people come across your path this week, whether it’s at work or church or on a dating website, pay extra attention to how you show up for them. Are you being the real you? If not, ask yourself why. I guarantee that being YOU is always a win…for you and for the people you interact with.
Oh, and guess what. My friend that I sent the email to? She totally got it. She is still my friend. It’s a great feeling…knowing I can be myself with her….makes the friendship all the richer. And if it hadn’t turned out that way? I would’ve been sad to lose a friend, but I would’ve been able to sleep at night knowing I had been true to myself and her.
Try it out this week if you catch yourself doing things you don’t want to do in an attempt to get people to like you. Let me know how it feels to you to shed the fake you and be the real you.
And don’t forget to have an awesome week!
