I had a lovely hike today with my friend Val.  It was kind of fortuitous that she was there because I had some nasty old beliefs rear their ugly heads in my brain this week, and it was good to have someone to process with and remind me of what’s really true.

I haven’t been in a committed relationship in over 14 years.  I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to relax in my singleness and enjoy it, and I’ve gotten good at it.  I can honestly say that I am happy in my singleness.

I have not, however, committed to staying single.  Theoretically, if the right guy came along, I would totally go for it!

Or would I?

It’s happened before – I start exchanging messages with a guy on Christian Mingle and we start to “click”.  Forget stopping my brain from getting ahead of itself; it has already gotten so far ahead of itself that it sees all the reasons the relationship will fail.  It decides it is WAY better to just stay single and forget about the relationship – the one I’m not even actually having yet.

Here are some of the lovely thoughts my brain throws out there:

1. You’ve never been able to see a relationship through to marriage – why would this one work out?
2. You have been single too long to go back now – you are too set in your ways to fit another person into your life.
3. There’s no way the guy would even be attracted to you once he met you in person.
4. There’s no point in risking getting your heart broken again…it’s too painful.
5. Guys can’t be trusted.

There’s more, but I’ll stop there. Hopefully you can see that these are all lame reasons not to continue getting to know the guy.  Taken individually, I could come up with great arguments why they aren’t true.  Theoretically, I would just defeat each negative thought with the truth and move on with my new, healthier, mindset.  Everyone lives happily ever after.

The thing about these thoughts is I’ve thought them a lot.  They don’t just pop up once in a while; they’ve been living in my brain and getting cemented in a little more firmly with every relationship that didn’t result in marriage. They have become a belief system for me.  A go-to way of thinking that “saves” me from ever having to get hurt again.

I have to give my brain a little credit.  It’s trying to protect me from future pain.

But ultimately, all these thoughts do is keep me from living my life fully. They keep me from even having the chance of finding someone to share the rest of my life with.  It’s funny, after learning all I did at The Life Coach School, I figured these kinds of limiting thoughts would be things of the past.  Surely now that I know I can take every thought captive and measure it against the truth, these thoughts would no longer have any power over me.  But all it took was a hint of encouragement from a guy I met recently and I was right back in the soup this week.

Much to my chagrin, my old belief system isn’t that easily dismissed.  It took years to create it…and I’ve done a superbly good job of doing just that thinking the negative thoughts I listed above over and over and over again.

I could get discouraged and decide that I’ll never change after all (another unhelpful thought).  Or I can realize that just as it took time for my belief system to grow, it might take some time to create a newer, healthier one.  It’ll take practice.  It’ll mean finding some new thoughts that are actually true…and thinking them over and over and over again. Thoughts like:

1. Whether they resulted in marriage or not, my past relationships aren’t failures…they are steps in the process of becoming who I am (and I like that person).
2. I make room in my life for new things that I enjoy all the time.
3. I have no evidence to support the belief that no guy would ever be attracted to me (actually, quite the opposite).
4. I’m not willing to give up the opportunity to build a successful life-long relationship with a man just because I’m worried I might get hurt in the process.  I’ve survived heartache before; I can do it again.
5. I know guys (and have been in relationship with guys) who I have been able to trust.  A few bad examples don’t taint the whole male population.

I like these thoughts much better…they make me feel peaceful and hopeful.  I can actually really believe them, too.  So now it’s a matter of practicing them.  Of thinking them over and over…every time one of the negative thoughts pop up.

I’m pretty excited to see where my new belief system ends up getting me.  Even if I end up single till the day I step across to the other side, I feel happier thinking these thoughts. I feel lighter, more relaxed, more excited to see what each day brings.

What kind of belief systems are you carrying around? How do they make you feel?  If the answer is “lousy”,  would you be willing to consider the possibility that the thoughts that make them up might not even be true?

This is a big topic…I plan on revisiting next week as well.  Please let me know your thoughts and any specific questions you have about it in the comments section below!   Or schedule a free session with me and let’s talk one-on-one.   I guarantee getting a handle on your belief system is life-changing.

Till next week, peeps!