One of my favorite things happened on today’s hike: it started snowing. Our first actual measurable snowfall, even if it ended up being less than an inch. I love how everything looks with the snow coming down!
It did a lot to lift my spirits. I have had two different friends recently let me know that their marriages are on the road to over. In one case, I was a guest at the wedding. And I remembered my thoughts that wedding day: “I can’t wait till it’s my turn.” The couple looked so happy and the words “happily ever after” seemed inevitable in their case.
Not so.
I have always wanted to believe in happily ever after. I grew up on the idea, as I’ve mentioned before. So for me, for much of my life, marriage was the ultimate goal. It was what would get me to “happily ever after”. For years, it stood on the pedestal I had created for it.
But in doing life together with couples in my small group, my family, and other friends, that pedestal started to get eaten away. My idealized view of marriage gradually became more realistic…and I began to realize that the state of being married does not guarantee happiness.
Two points to make here. Number one, when it comes to our circumstances there ARE no guarantees. We know we will die at some point and that’s the only thing on the planet we can count on definitely happening. Much as I’d like it to be different, I can’t control what other people do, or the weather, or my dna. So let’s say I find my life partner and we get married. While I know plenty of married couples that have stuck together through thick and thin and kept their health intact for 50+ years (my parents among them), I also know plenty of people who have gotten married but not enjoyed this outcome. Does this mean I give up on the idea of marriage? Of course not. But I no longer make it symbolize a guarantee of stability and happiness.
Which brings me to point number two. Whether we’re talking about marriage, or getting a raise or a promotion, or winning the lottery, nothing outside of yourself can make you happy. I’ve talked about this before, but just to refresh your memory: only your thoughts about your circumstances can affect whether you’re happy or not.
Let’s take the promotion example. Promotion = good, right? Usually comes with a nice raise and some additional perks. More money, more perks = happiness.
Not necessarily. It depends on what your priorities are. If with the promotion comes more hours of work, more stress, and more obligation to always be “on call”, then personally I have to think twice about whether I really want it or not. Initially I’m excited by the idea, but as I think about the impact on my quality of life and work/life balance, my thoughts about the promotion are not very positive. They are not making me very happy.
With marriage, I may meet someone, fall in love, and get married. Initially I am very excited about the whole concept. But if, as my husband and I figure out how to do life together, I start thinking thoughts like “this is hard” or “I miss my independence” or “I don’t want to have to compromise on this or that”…well, those kind of thoughts don’t make me feel very happy.
I choose. I choose whether to dwell on how blessed I am to have someone to go through life with (Lord willing), or on how much I now have to sacrifice personally in order to keep the marriage intact. One thought makes me happy; one makes me feel resentful. My circumstance – being married – is exactly the same either way.
And as I’ve been writing for the last 20 weeks or so, we singles have that same choice when it comes to our singleness. In either case – married or single – we ourselves choose whether we are happy or not. A spouse can’t make us happy. A life of solitude can’t make us happy. A million dollars can’t make us happy.
It’s how we choose to think that can.
It took me awhile to really understand this concept and realize that it is 100% true. Suddenly the Bible’s exhortations to take every thought captive and think on these things made more sense. I’m super-curious to know what you think about this idea. Let me know in the comments below and until next time, have an awesome week!
