So it happened earlier into this 52-week challenge than I anticipated: Week 3 and I was already faced with the dreaded Time Limit.
Nothing takes the wind out of my sails quite like having to watch the time during a hike. I can’t just stop and linger at some beautiful spot, or decide to take a nap in the meadow with Kirby, or just sit and watch an animal in its natural habitat if I want to. Having to be off the trail by a certain time feels like pressure…like I can’t just relax and enjoy myself, because I have to keep checking the time and hurrying along.
Today I modified my route to be shorter so that I could slow down a bit, which helped some, but the minutes were still ticking by…and my soul didn’t feel quite as refreshed as it usually does after emerging from the woods.
While Kirby, who had no clue about the time limit, had a blast like he always does, I kept thinking about the time limit, and that thought made me feel less relaxed, a little stressed…and in the end the journey wasn’t as enjoyable for me.
It reminded me of all the “time limits” we singles tend to put on ourselves, like “I need to meet my future husband at college” (that was mine) or “I want to be married by the time I’m 30.” And of course there’s always the dreaded “I need to get married before my biological clock runs out.”
Some time limits are good. They can keep us from procrastinating and help us stay on track to accomplish goals. But in my experience, time limits can also produce a negative effect. For example, let’s say you have an exam coming up, and you’ve taken impeccable notes and studied your butt off. You go into the test fully prepared, but it’s timed, so you keep looking at the clock, and suddenly you find that you’re drawing all blanks. All that preparation ticks away with the minute hand and you end up doing poorly on the exam.
Now let’s take away the time limit. This doesn’t mean you don’t study like crazy before-hand or that you don’t set yourself up for success by getting some good rest the night before. But now you’re not thinking about answering quickly or trying to finish before your time runs out, and so you have no problem answering the test questions. In fact, my guess is that you’ll finish the exam before the now non-existent time limit would have expired.
The only difference between the two scenarios is, your mind is no longer dwelling on the time limit. You show up calmer, more confident, and are able to perform at your best. In the end you ace the test.
Of course, while some of the time limits we place on ourselves for finding a mate are somewhat arbitrary, and can theoretically be removed, the biological clock one is pretty non-negotiable at the end of the day. Yes, there’s always fertility treatments, surrogates, and adoption. But for many of us, none of those options would be our first choice. So there’s a time limit we can’t just remove.
What we can do is not dwell on it. Because, quite frankly, I would argue that continuing to tell yourself that time is running out for you is not actually going to make you any more successful in bringing that special someone along. And I know for sure that that thought is not one that leads to feelings of contentment, peace and joy.
I encourage you to use the time limit to your benefit. If you’re procrastinating on putting yourself out there, waiting until you’re thin/financially stable/you-name-it, then the time limit is a good reminder that maybe it’s time to figure out what’s stopping you from getting your profile out on that dating site.
BUT.
If you find yourself feeling stressed, anxious, or worried when you think about your still-single state, then your thoughts about your time limit are not helping. They are actually making it harder for you to put your best self out there…a self that projects happiness, joyfulness, and confidence…three very date-able qualities. Worst of all the time limit factor can tempt you to compromise too much on your deal-breakers. You can be married and still feel extremely alone if that person is not a good compatibility match for you. So next time that time limit thinking surfaces in your brain, try thinking “I have plenty of time to find the right life partner for me.”
Because at the end of the day, even if you are on every single dating site there is, even if you’ve hired Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, and even if every single one of your friends and family sets you up with every single one of their friends and family, you just can’t predict how many of these you are going to have to kiss…
…before you find your Prince Charming. So why not relax and enjoy the journey? Give the thought “I have plenty of time” a try and let me know how it works for you!
P.S. The little guy hiding in the dead tree above actually turned out to be a lot nicer than he looks!
