Week 24! It was good to get out on the trail again…and it was 60 degrees! IN FEBRUARY! That doesn’t mean all the snow had melted, but it was definitely easier going than the last time.

I had a lot to think about on today’s hike. Earlier in the morning, a friend (shout out to my girl Kim B.!) had forwarded me a beautifully and eloquently written blog from a young woman in the U.K. It was about how her singleness has caused her to suffer and how she learned to acknowledge the suffering and share it with God. It spoke to me about validation – validation that singleness can be painful and that it is OKAY to acknowledge and share that pain.

As I hiked, I thought about how I agreed that there’s no point in stuffing our feelings when they are painful. I agreed that sharing that pain with others and giving it over to God is a healthy way to process it. And then I thought about what caused the pain in the first place.

Why does the state of being single cause some of us extreme pain while others of us who are single seem to take it in stride? Is it that God has somehow decided to bless one person with the gift of contentedness but withholds it from someone else? I don’t think so.  I truly believe it’s all in how you think about it. So let’s break it down.

At the end of the day, we want what we want because of how we think it will make us feel.

I can remember nights lying on my bed in tears, crying out to God in protest of my singleness. When I thought about finding someone to marry, I wanted it because then I would feel loved and desirable. I wouldn’t feel lonely anymore. I would feel secure, safe, chosen, significant. NOT feeling those things felt like a loss. That loss brought the tears.

I don’t find myself grieving that loss much anymore, because it no longer feels like a loss. When I think about the fact that what I really want is not the ring on my finger but the feelings I will have once that ring is on my finger, I am able to reflect on how many ways I am already experiencing those feelings in my life:

– I feel loved NOW. I have amazing friends and the best family in the world (no really, I ended up with the best family and I am sorry to everyone else)

– Not being in a relationship with a guy doesn’t take away my ability to feel desirable. Guys smile at me, they tell me my hair looks pretty, they flirt with me across the counter at the store. No, they’re not asking me to marry them, but they’re not asking me to put a bag over my head, either.

– Whether or not I feel lonely or not doesn’t always have to do with whether I am with someone or not. I can feel lonely in a dating relationship and decidedly not alone when I am not. My loneliness depends more on my state of mind then my marital status.

– I feel as safe and secure as I can this side of heaven. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that having someone by my side doesn’t guarantee that I’ll feel any more safe and secure.

– I DO feel chosen. The fact that my Creator made me uniquely me…to fulfill a specific role in space and time on this planet…well, it makes me feel pretty darn special.

I’m not gonna lie, there are some things I’m not going to get outside of a romantic relationship, like kissing…I definitely miss kissing. So I might shed a tear once in a while as I watch a romantic movie. But in general, I don’t have a lot of sadness around my singleness. I just don’t think of my singleness as a loss of anything anymore. And I’m glad I had a three-hour window to spend in the woods thinking through this concept today.

PLEASE HEAR ME: I don’t think my lack of pain invalidates anyone else’s pain or experience. We are all on our own journey and each one is different – unique. My hope is that by sharing my story, I will be able to encourage anyone out there who is in a state of suffering.

Wherever you are in your story, I hope this blog got you thinking – and I’d love to hear what those thoughts are. Agree? Disagree? Have another way of looking at things? Let me know in the comments section below or sign up for a free session with me so we can continue the conversation one-on-one.