No, that’s not a typo in the title. In this case “should” is a verb, and “should-ing” can lead to all kinds of trouble. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Week 38 included a makeup hike! I’ve missed two so far (the blizzard and a sick day), so my goal is to make them both up before the end of the 52 weeks. The first hike (a Saturday) was HOT but sunny and gorgeous. The second hike (a Monday) started out gloomy and threatening rain, but turned out to be just as glorious as the first. And bonus! I ran into the handsome turtle you see pictured at the top of this post.

I found myself worried about the turtle.  “You shouldn’t be right here on the trail,” I scolded him.  “You could get stepped on!”

The turtle didn’t say a word and just kept on going his merry way down the trail.  He clearly didn’t care about what I thought he should or shouldn’t do. Turtles can be persnickety that way.

The incident reminded me of a statement that I heard at the recent gathering for Life Coach School coaches I attended:

“Should is a shame word.”

I found it to be a prickly statement.  Half of me found myself arguing with it, and the other half found me totally agreeing with it.  But after thinking about it for a while, and spending an inordinate amount of time questioning why it’s pronounced “shood” (why not “showled”? Or “shooled”?), I realized that context is everything when it comes to “should”.

For instance, I have no problem telling all my friends they should totally check out the TV series “Firefly” and I don’t worry about shaming them if they don’t (mostly). And I will be the FIRST to tell you that you should NOT put your hand on a hot stove.

But I also identified two kinds of “should-ing” that don’t seem to help anything: the kind where we use the word to argue with reality (i.e., I should be married by now) and the kind where we use it to inform others that they are either missing out on something or doing something wrong unless they obey the “should” (or it’s close cousin “ought to”).  Both kinds can lead to feelings of shame.

The thought “I should be married by now” can lead to other thoughts like “there must be something wrong with me” or “I don’t deserve love” or “God must be punishing me”.  All of those thoughts breed shame.  This is the “shoulding” we do to ourselves that only leads to a place of despair, or at the very least, discontent.

Then there’s the “shoulding” that we inflict on others when we try to tell someone else how to solve their problems by using the “s” word.  We singles get it all the time, right?

– “You should try this new dating website!”
– “You should date so and so!”
– “You should be praying more!”
– “You should attend this group or that church or (fill in the blank)!”

All kinds of helpful suggestions. And while I’m sure most (if not all) of them come with the best of intentions, they all at the end of the day try to point out that what is actually holding you back from your dreams is something you are not doing. Seems harsh, but stay with me here.

Let’s just take the first example. Say you’ve already tried Christian Café, Christian Mingle, EHarmony, Match, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid and half a dozen other websites. You’ve discovered that the same fifty guys in your radius of choice are on all of those same websites. You’ve had a few dates here and there, not all bad, but nothing that turned into anything. Now your well-meaning friend says you should try Bob’s Christian Dating Website, too.

If you don’t, there’s always that implication that Bob’s Christian Dating Website was the one stone you left unturned. If ONLY you had signed up for the 3-months for $19.99 package, you might be married RIGHT NOW.

I am not saying it’s wrong to say “why not try this website” or share a story of how a friend met her husband at a local singles group. But when we try to persuade someone to do something by using the word “should”, it behooves us to be SUPER careful. Because sometimes when people follow our “should”, they don’t end up in a good place.  And ultimately, when we tell someone they should do something, the implication is that we know better than they do what they ought to be doing. Then if they don’t do the thing we just recommended, we can end up thinking they have some kind of character flaw or lack of intelligence or absence of courage.

Where the shame really gets going is when the somebody you are trying to help already KNOWS what they should be doing. Most likely they don’t need you or anyone else to point it out. They know, and every time you or someone else lays on another layer of “should”, they feel more shame because they are not doing it.

Maybe it’s someone who wants to find a life partner, but literally goes home every night after work and doesn’t ever place herself in a social situation.  She should put herself out there more, right?

Most likely, she knows that.  And she might not have figured out what exactly it is that’s holding her back yet.  So all she knows is what she should be doing and the fact that she’s not doing it.  Which leads to feelings of shame.

Instead of saying “should”, maybe try asking a question:  “Why do you think you don’t put yourself out there more?”  This invites self-exploration instead of self-condemnation.  The more we get to know ourselves and how we tick, the more opportunity we have to stretch and grow and evolve…all good things in my book!

So my final verdict on “should”?  I would change the statement just slightly:  “Should can be a shame word.”  My plan is to use the word only when it’s not.  Especially to myself.

How about you?