So today was GORGEOUS!!! Weather had been looking iffy during the week for this day, but BOY did God over-deliver with blue sky and sun this Mother’s Day morning!

There was a bit of a cloud over today’s hike, however…I couldn’t bring Kirby with me. Apparently our little “race” last week constituted overdoing it for him, and this past Wednesday found Kirby at the vet in a lot of pain, unable to put any weight on his right front leg.

$200 later, we left with some strong pain meds and anti-inflammatories to treat what was most likely a soft-tissue injury. And the stuff worked – by Thursday night, he was good as new, but I knew that taking him hiking again this soon would not be very responsible of me as a pet owner.

I was hoping he wouldn’t notice that we didn’t go hiking this weekend and that I could sneak on my hiking boots without him really being aware, but of course THIS is what I found him doing when I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes on the morning of my hike:

I’m sure I’m anthropomorphizing a bit, but that dog was INCONSOLABLE as I walked out the door without him.  Almost so much so that I considered, for a brief moment, taking him along anyway.  Then I caught myself.  I would’ve been catering to his short-term happiness instead of his long-term health.

Of course, I couldn’t explain this to Kirby AT ALL.  All he knew is that I had those boots on and I walked out the door without him. Then I came back four hours later smelling even more like the woods than ever.  I was in BIG trouble.

I relate all this because even though Kirby is a dog and I might as well try explaining physics to him as try to explain why I wasn’t taking him with me, I have learned that many times, it is JUST AS HARD to make someone fully understand the things I do or say.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say it can be impossible. 

As an example, I have an ex that I don’t keep in touch with.  Our history goes back 30 years, and there was drama, but today I am completely peaceful with the facts of our past and wish him nothing but the best. The problem is, every couple of years or so, he reaches out to me to reconnect and see if we can be friends again.  Literally, this has happened like TEN times now.

Why is this a problem?

Because EVERY TIME I write him back and let him know that, as he is married, his wife would have to know about any contact we had, whether via email, phone or in person.  And that’s where the disconnect always starts.

Inevitably, I get a response back where my ex accuses me of not wanting to be friends with him because I haven’t forgiven him for some painful things that occurred in our past.  He cannot understand why I cannot see that it is best to keep any contact we would have a secret from his wife. And every single time these interactions end on an unfriendly note.  My ex expresses hurt, disappointment and a lack of belief that I have truly forgiven him.

And guess what?  There is not a THING I can do about it.

I used to end up stewing because I could never seem to make him understand.  But here are the facts at the end of the day: I want him to understand; I don’t want him to be disappointed, but I cannot MAKE him feel the way I want him to feel.  Only he can decide to hear or read my words and either make them mean I have not forgiven him, or make them mean I am SUPER respectful of his wife.

This is a powerful concept. It applies to all of us.  How many times have you put off or avoided doing the right thing because it might mean hurting someone’s feelings?  How often do you do things you don’t enjoy just so you won’t displease someone else?

I am certainly guilty of this way of living.  And all this way of living does is make you miserable and keep you from living a life of integrity…where you are honest and authentic with the people in your life.  In my interactions with the world, I am called to live out of love for them and obedience to God.  I can try to explain my motivations to someone who might not understand why I am not interested in a second date or why I think it’s a good idea for us to end a relationship.  And every time, I am going to wish that somehow I could do these things without anyone’s feelings getting hurt. But a lot of times it doesn’t work out that way.

At the end of the day, I still have to live out of the right choice…the choice that comes from a place of love and peace, both for myself and any other people involved.  I have to let the other people feel how they are going to feel and realize that I may never be able to make them understand exactly where I am coming from.

I’ve touched on this topic before, but I felt it so keenly this week with Kirby…and found myself ruminating on the story with my ex that I shared above.  This post goes hand-in-hand with what I wrote about how words only mean what YOU make them mean.  We all choose what to make other people’s words and actions mean to us…and out of that meaning flows our feelings.

If you find yourself stuck in a situation where you are doing something you don’t want to do just to avoid letting someone else down (dating or otherwise), ask yourself if maybe it’s because you are trying to control what that other person feels.  Then remind yourself that how they feel is THEIR choice.

Aaahhhhh!!  Another huge topic!  And one that will bloom into more posts, I’m sure…this whole concept that each person is 100% responsible for their own feelings can be tough to grasp, but it is a life-changing one once you put it into practice…freeing for you, and freeing for the people around you.  I will definitely be writing more on this, so stay tuned!!!!

And in the meantime, have a GREAT week!