The trail was not on its best behavior today. After a few days of near constant downpour, the river was high and the path was super muddy – the kind of deep mud that reveals a ton of different animal tracks.
Rocks were slick and the wet leaves made everything even more slippery. Twice I nearly fell off the trail down into the river…you know, those “almost” falls that make your heart beat faster: almost-died-almost-died-almost-died…
I’ve had some other not-so-nice experiences on this very same trail…there was the “Day of All the Snakes” as I like to call it, and also the “Day of the Giant Hornet’s Nest”…and then there was the “Day of the Ice Trail of Death”. Probably now you’re wondering why on earth I continue to hike this trail every week. And I will say that after the Day of All the Snakes, I took a break from the trail for a bit.
But never once have I considered just giving up hiking altogether. Never once have I thought to myself “Maybe I am just a bad hiker. If I was a good hiker, then I wouldn’t fall/get stung/slip on the ice.”
Muskrat? Or Beaver?
Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships that didn’t lead to marriage, I have indulged in the belief that I’m a bad dater. I’d tell myself that clearly there was something wrong with me if these relationships never worked out. I made the slips and falls of the dating world mean something bad about me.
I find this theme comes up almost 100% of the time when I’m talking with my clients. They aren’t pretty enough, or interesting enough, or they’re too loud, or they’re too broken. We all seem to go there at one time or another after a relationship comes to an end.
But these are just stories we tell ourselves, and sometimes it just takes saying them out loud and really looking at them to see how gosh darn ridiculous they are. I mean seriously? No one on the entire planet could possibly love you unless you lose fifteen pounds? (That’s always been my mantra). No one would ever want you because you’re too short? Because none of your relationships have “succeeded”? Because you don’t make “enough” money?
It’s times like these that I like to remind myself that Eva Braun not only spent years as Hitler’s companion, but she actually married him…even though the marriage lasted less than 40 hours before the pair committed suicide. Hmmmm…maybe not the best analogy, but you get the point. The whole “no-one could ever love me” thing is a painful lie. I’m pretty sure if it were physically possible to date every available potential mate on the planet, there would be zero chance that not one of them would be able to love you.
I cannot emphasize enough how worth it it is to get this kind of thinking out in the open and replace it with truth. When I live out of the lie, it shows. It shows in how I carry myself, how I “show up” to other people, and how I put myself out there in the dating world. The more I think it, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But when I can remind myself that there are guys on the planet for whom my body-type is their ideal…that there are guys out there who will love me for who I am…that there are guys who have pursued me and who I chose to say no to…my energy totally changes. I walk differently. I put on clothes that I feel and look great in. I make eye contact and smile at the people I pass. It’s a whole other me showing up.
So I ask you: are you making your single state mean that you’re somehow unlovable or undesirable? If you are, ask yourself what you’re gaining by believing that. If it doesn’t make you feel fabulous to think that, then that’s where the work starts. It’s time to pull that sucker out into the light and put it to the truth test. Take a stab at the attached worksheet if you’re feeling like you want to explore this concept a little further for yourself…and let me know what you find out!
In the meantime, I’ll be trying to get all of this mud off of Kirby…
“Why I’m Still Single” Worksheet
1. Fill in the blank: “I believe I am still single because ________________________________.
(Try to focus on one belief at a time, even if there are multiple reasons you could come up with.
Do questions 2. through 4. for each one.)
2. Is it possible to factually prove this belief is true?
a. If yes, how would you prove it?
b. If no, why not?
3. What is your “evidence” for this belief?
4. For each piece of “evidence” you listed, act as your own defense attorney. Challenge each piece individually, coming up with at least one way that your “evidence” might not actually prove your belief.
5. List at least ten reasons why someone would be lucky to have you as a life partner. If you are struggling to come up with ten on your own, reach out to your friends and family to see what items they would include on your list.
6. Write a brief description of who you would be perfect for. I.e., someone who likes to have their feet rubbed, someone who has a sick sense of humor, etc.
