It was one of those hikes where I COULD NOT get off the trail. It was that gorgeous. Temperature was perfect, the trees were starting to change…it truly was glorious.
The only downside is that the trail is understandably more crowded on days like this. Kirby and I will easily go for weeks without passing anyone on this trail. But on days like this, everybody and their mother, aunt, boyfriend’s sister and of course all of their dogs, are on the trail. “Why is this a downside?” you might ask.
It’s Kirby. He’s a rescue. And clearly wherever he came from was not a place where he had good experiences with other dogs. While most people on the trail hike with their dogs off-leash because they are so darn friendly, I have to be careful to step off the trail and give other hikers with dogs a wide berth, because this is the face that Kirby makes when they come near:
Today was no different. We were about half-way through the hike and all of a sudden one Golden Retriever and two Bernese Mountain Dogs rounded a bend in the trail and came bounding up to us, excited to make a new friend. Kirby, of course, went BALLISTIC.
The dog owners ran up and quickly corralled their super-friendly dogs while Kirby strained at the leash and barked up a storm. I was mortified. “Kirbs,” I said, shaking my head sadly, “you just missed a chance to make three new friends.”
What does this have to do with singleness? Just this: Kirby has a built-in defense mechanism that rears its ugly head every time a new dog approaches. Something in his past clearly did not reward him for being open and friendly.
How many of us singles have this same problem? How many of us are unconsciously (or consciously) sabotaging our search for a mate because we are too busy protecting ourselves? Someone starts to show interest, you come up with a reason – any reason – not to engage. You find yourself pining away after a succession of unavailable people, whether they’re already married, or aren’t interested in your gender, or what-have-you. You continue to hold a torch for your ex, even though it’s abundantly clear that “he’s just not that into you.”
My story? After my last breakup (a particularly painful one), I gained about 80 pounds. Not necessarily purposely…I just stopped exercising and ate whatever the heck I wanted to drown my sorrows. As the pounds piled on, much as I still yearned for a mate, I also found a certain comfort and safety becoming someone who was invisible to others as a potential love interest.
But these defense mechanisms, even though they’re well-intentioned – they’re there to protect us, after all – clearly can work against our chances to make a connection with someone. It all comes down to a fabulous quote I just read in Brené Brown’s new book Rising Strong: “Rather than risk feeling disappointed, (people are) choosing to live disappointed.” (emphasis the author’s).
We don’t want to be vulnerable because we’ve been so hurt in the past. It’s safer to put the walls up. But then stupid C.S. Lewis has to go and point out the downside to that kind of thinking:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (The Four Loves)
I’ve always hated this quote. Because it’s true. It means I HAVE to keep taking the risk if I want a real chance to find someone to grow old with. But while that thought makes me all kinds of uncomfortable, it also gives me hope for myself.
Kirby may never get over his fear of other dogs, and I truly believe he’ll miss out on a ton of fun and companionship because of it. But thankfully, he’s a dog and we’re not. We can choose what to think and what to believe and we can learn to let our guard down.
So this week, take some time to think about what kind of defense mechanisms you might unwittingly be putting into play in your dating life. Are there any that it might be time to kick to the curb? Because seriously, isn’t THIS face much more approachable?
